I don’t really know who God is. It’s something I struggle with a lot. This is me being real to myself, and to you.
I’m struggling with my faith. I can remember more days when I told myself I want to walk away from everything and live my life the way I want to rather than saying yes, I will follow you God. I have my doubts and uncertainties with God. I’m not even sure if I believe He exists anymore. I don’t see how God works in my life, how He loves me, how He is for me. If God is so good, then how come I have such a hard time seeing His goodness?
I look at my friends, and they have no problem committing fully to God. It’s not that they don’t struggle, they do. But at the end of the day, they will confidently choose God over everything else. It’s something I envy a lot. I wish I could be the person who doesn’t hesitate when it comes to God. I wish I could depend on God for everything. I wish I could have that desire to pursue Him every day. But right now, that’s not me, and deep down I don’t really know if I have a desire to pursue Him. I’m not going to commit to something or someone if I’m not going to give my 100%. With God, I’m not sure if I can fully give my all.
Honestly, I’m happy with my life. I like the way my life is right now; I love my friends and my community because I know they care for me more than I can imagine. But God isn’t really in the picture. And if I’m happy with life right now, then maybe I’m content with never having to pursue God. It’s a thought that really scares me, because if God really is real, then I know the consequences of not following God.
I guess the Christian journey really is a difficult one, and definitely something I’m challenged by. But trust the process amirite?