As a college student well into my second year, looking back I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned more even when high school me thought I already knew all there was to know about myself. I’ve always thought I was an open and vulnerable person, but maybe I’m not as much I thought I was. I’ve always thought that I knew what it meant to be loved by Jesus, but maybe not as much as I thought I did. It’s crazy to think that I’ve been conscious this entire time, and yet there are so many layers and walls to my heart that I didn’t know were there.
And just like how God doesn’t give you a flashlight and tells you to meander the cave alone, but is the light Himself, He has been slowly revealing to me the ways I fell from Him. He has been slowly breaking down those walls I literally did not know were there. Specifically in the ways I like to categorize my emotions.
If an emotion is illogical or unnecessary I throw it out the window. If it’s not deemed worthy in the situation I suppress it and move on because if it doesn’t help me on my journey then why waste my energy on it? I was really struggling with this when my mentor last year spoke some real truth and I was low-key shook mid bite into my pho at Saigon Deli. She asked me “How can you expect to have a deep and healing relationship with God if you don’t let him reach you even in your smallest moments of hurt?”
To this day I’ve been trying to uproot lies that have embedded themselves in my heart and understand that God knows me and loves me despite all the lies I've believed. I am extremely grateful for the intentional vulnerability in the AAIV community and how the community has pushed me to basically sumo wrestle the lies of this world. Spiritual GAINZ. Also I hope y’all signed up for mentorship because obviously where would I be without mine! Shout out to my mentor, you know who you are.